


The road of change is paved in pink white and blue

by Frog_that_writes



Series: Queer Bad Kids (dimension 20) [3]
Category: Dimension 20 (Web Series)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual riz, Everyone else is there to vaguly, Interesting, Internalized Transphobia, Self Esteem Issues, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, because riz kinda doesnt like himself, but he's the only important one in this, he's figuring it out, just a little, oh whats this? More trans bad kids?, so he blames his gender issues on him just being him, trans riz gukgak, uhh okay real tags time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-25 08:34:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22353313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frog_that_writes/pseuds/Frog_that_writes
Summary: Riz's journey through discovering his gender and finally having friends who know him for who he really is.
Relationships: Riz Gukgak & Everyone, Riz Gukgak & Sklonda Gukgak
Series: Queer Bad Kids (dimension 20) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1603384
Comments: 10
Kudos: 167





	1. Chapter 1

It took Riz a long time to realize that something about his gender seemed off to him. In those days, he was "she" and she was a name he had tried to bury a long with all the dumb nicknames he had at his old school. There was a sense throughout grade school that something was off, a weird feeling in his stomach when his teachers did roll and called his name like it was no big deal. Except it felt like a big deal to him, but he had no idea why. The thought that maybe he just didn't like his name stuck throughout grade school. Every flinch at a pronoun was brushed off as anger that people were talking about him like he wasn't there, because what other explanation was there? He was already a poor goblin, there was no need to make things harder on himself than they were. 

In middle school it only got worse. Puberty sucked so bad, but he found no justification in the way his classmates complained about the same thing. Girls complained about having to remember to carry around pads now but never talked about a deep pit in their stomach that made them want to crawl out of their own skin when they needed to use them. They muttered behind hands hiding their mouths from the boys how awkward it was shopping for bras with their moms, and didn't mention wishing more than anything that their chest would just stop growing already. He held back scoffs of jealousy when boys excitedly showed off their new facial hair. But girl puberty just sucked worse than boy puberty and that was that and nothing was wrong with Riz. 

His hair itched constantly on the back of his neck until the day he stared in the mirror and gave himself the most lopsided bob he had ever seen. There was a moment when he stared in the mirror and realized that it didn't make him feel any better and Riz thought to himself that this was supposed to fix things. But it was still too long, and the word occurred to him as he floundered that it was too  _ girly.  _ This was his only justification when Sklonda found him later clutching the scissors and trying not to cry. 

There was a note of hesitation in her voice when she asked if "Feeling too girly" made him feel bad but there was no hesitation when Riz's head pivoted up and down in a desperate nod. And Sklonda Gukgak would be the first to say that she was far from perfect, but when a problem presented itself to her she rolled up her sleeves and went to work. When the problem just so happened to be the mess that was her child's hair she went to work with no less fervor.

There was a hushed conversation Riz listened to with an ear pressed against the wall that night between Sklonda and Pok about finding the words for this and some gentle questioning and Riz really did cry that night with no idea what was wrong with him but the knowledge that his parents were going to help. 

And then Pok died, and things really did have to get worse before they got better. Because there was a funeral and a "daughter left behind" and obituaries printed with a name he had learned to despise. There weren't any family pictures taken recently enough with his newly shortened hair and instead there were picture frames filled with his parents and a shy looking child that wasn't really  _ him.  _ Funerals were a stressful time filled with crying and reheated casseroles made from extended family and friends and there wasn't time for a kid with no idea who they are asking to change their name.

But there was time to grab a roll of bandages when sent to get groceries Sklonda no longer had time for with money saved up from a time when she could still afford to give Riz an allowance. And there was time to think about how each breath hurt but now he could pass reflective surfaces without burrowing deeper into his clothes purposefully bought too big. 

And there was time for Sklonda to find out in that way that good mothers always find out when their kids are doing something dumb. And there was for a conversation where Riz cried and apologized but he just  _ couldn't take being her anymore, I'm sorry Mom but I just can't.  _

And there was time for reassurances and aparentaly in Sklonda's words there was always time for him. And he wasn't a bother, and his health was important, and they were going to figure this out together, because she wanted him to be happy so badly. 

Money was tight, but there were second hand binders given out in free give-aways online, with people who have been where he was and understood. And there was a word,  _ trans,  _ that apparently didn't mean wrong or a freak but just meant that he really was a he, and what it said on the piece of paper he had been given at birth didn't matter. Other people like him were out there, with binders and packers and happiness despite feeling as lost as him at one point. 

The last year of middle school was spent with a ducked head and a refusal to talk about why his hair was short and why his mom called him a different name when she picked him up from school every Thursday on her day off. It wasn't worth it, to try and get people who had known him since oversized crayons in tiny plastic chairs learning the Common Alphabet to see him as anything but that so very hated name. But highschool brought with if a new opportunity. To change from the briefcase kid into the briefcase boy. Or, maybe just no nicknames at all. A guy could dream, okay. 

No one at Augefurt knew him as anything but Riz Gukgak, the poor goblin unlicensed detective, or The Ball, the unlucky victim of Ragh. But even that was a step up and Riz would take it if it meant being seen as who he was. 

And he had friends now. Real friends that liked him, and indulged his insistence upon investigations even when they thought there was nothing to find. And friends that were willing to waste a spell slot healing him when his stealth check failed except they didn't call it a waste and called it their job. And there was Fabien, who acted like a Real Guy, who played blood rush and everything, but still smiled at him in that soft way when he talked like he actually thought what Riz said was important and not just background noise.

And there was Gorgug with an extra hoodie to spare and no questions to ask at sleepovers when the binder got too tight. And when worst came to worst and there was no other option there was Fig handy with a Minor Allusion and there was Kristen always ready to distract anyone who looked at him a little too closely with an animated discussion about the glory of Helio and later a deep theological debate. And there was Adaine, who would sit and listen and nod when everything spilled out of his throat and sit and read quietly beside him while she waited for him to be able to put it all to words. 

Because they were the Bad Kids, and they had each others backs even when the world threw nonstop shit at them. His dad may have never gotten to meet the real him, but now he had friends that did and if he was watching, Riz had to imagine that that made him infinitely more proud than teaching him how to tie a tie ever would have. 


	2. pok gukgak is a Good Dad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't planning to continue this but fuck me I guess ace Riz rights

Riz stood alone on the viewing side of an interrogation room, and thin sheet of glass the only thing separating him from his dad who was being tortured. But, the funny thing was, Riz felt almost frozen. 

It was ironic, because even when he had literally been frozen (Kalina sitting on his chest, the weight of her there feeling unnatural for all of its realness. His fingers wouldn't twitch even as his brain made desperate commands for them to, and he was so distracted by worry he barely remembered to control what he told Kalina, a sad attempt to do damage control he knew would never work. Because he was paralyzed, but who knew what was happening to Fabian? He had to save him) he had been able to push himself to act. It had nearly resulted in him drowning, sure, but at least it had been an action. 

Noe he felt like he was drowning in action, even though he knew (logically, hold on to logic even down here- especially down here) it had only been a few seconds of him staring at the glass, trying to come up with a game plan even as his mind reverted back to years before he could have ever hoped to call himself an adventurer, because holy shit  _ that's his dad! _

And Pok was saying, well, not  _ great  _ things, and he was calling him a kid and not his name or son or, probably more realistically, daughter, and there was  _ something  _ there that he couldn't quite identify, in this state or probably any. 

But he made up for his moments of paralyzed fear (not really paralyzed, he knew what that felt like now) with a sudden urge of action. Because there had to be something going on here, he knew his dad, even if it had been a while, and what he was saying- it didn't add up. He never would have stayed with him and Mom if he didn't want to, he wouldn't have stuck around and played dead beat. It wasn't like his organization could kick him out for having a bastard kid running around somewhere. Why stay if he didn't want to? If he had nothing to lose? 

And he didn't give up, and as much as he hated it the words of Kalina rang true, because he would never stop kicking or scratching until he was six feet under and then some, and  _ damn  _ Celestial energy felt good. Like being in it's very prescience cured all his wounds, or maybe that was just seeing the way his dad smiled at him, and breathed more than said " _ Riz,"  _ as he got them out of that shitty hell interrogation room.

Riz. He hadn't gone by that name since two years after his dad died. 

And then he was in heaven, and he was nearly  _ overwhelmed  _ by people calling him the son of Pok Gukgak, and wow, Fabian was really onto something here, maybe that should be his new introduction. It was nice to have the individuality that came from Riz, but something about being Pok's son was indescribably nice, a recognition in the face of overwhelming fear that there would be none. 

And then Dad was looking him up and down, and after a shaky laughter and a joke about tattoos, he looked him in the eyes and said "I am so proud of you, Riz." And that was all it took for him to be fully convinced that this really was heaven.

There was the important stuff, sure, the Shadow Cat and the Nightmare King and the possibly oncoming apocalypse. There was new gear to get and paperwork to fill out and hands of coworkers to shake. But there was a door, frozen in time, waiting for him to come home to, so there was time.

And his dad asked to hear the unimportant stuff, having gotten all the mid crisis updates from his son already, and he could respect that but,

"Do you think there's time for one more important thing?"

"Kiddo, we have quite literally all the time in the world. That door isn't going anywhere." 

"Is it okay that I'm your son and not your daughter?"

Pok paused, never stopping his walk or looking away from him, but seemingly thinking of exactly what to say next.

"I won't lie to you, kid," he sighed. "When I was alive I was confused by it. But now, seeing how much happier you are, knowing that you're out there making friends and saving the world as yourself, and not what the world wants you to be, makes me more happy than I can truly say." 

For possibly the hundredth time in that past hour (was it already an hour? Was it only an hour? Time was passing differently here, and despite the fact that he knew the door was already there, despite the fact that he never wanted to leave his dad's side again, he knew he had a job to do back on earth) he found himself saying "Thanks, dad."

"Thank you for making the world a better place just by being in it," Pok said instead. "Now, I know you're figuring all this out still, but tell me about this Fabian boy who got you a briefcase and made your business cards with his fancy calligraphy." 

"Dad," Riz whined through a smile. He had no objections from telling his dad anything about his friends, honestly.

"Sorry son," he said, and Riz's smile turned into a beam. "You'll have to forgive your old man his curiosity. Your friends sound like quite the characters."

"Oh they are," Riz reassured. "I should tell you about Kirsten's new god. Well, old god now I guess. It's the concept of doubt. I think she might be worshipping mystery now. It's been a really crazy week. There's been a statistically improbable amount of kidnappings."

Pok laughed at that and Riz decided he wanted to hear that noise as much as possible while he was catching him up. 

And when he went back to Arborly, heart heavy with the thoughts of when (if?) he would get to see his dad again, he still found himself smiling. There was mass chaos, and he guessed he was donating all his dragon money to charity now, which was kind of crazy considering his new heaven currency was the concept of goodwill, and also there was another shrimp party, apparently? But none of that mattered as much as the fact that after  _ years  _ of every thought of his dad being accompanied by that twinge of worry, that thought that even if his actions might have made him proud, the name he was doing it under negated that, he could finally lay his worries to rest. 

Because his dad loved him as his son who maybe wasn't really into sex (and possibly romance, he really was trying to figure all this out in the middle of the apocalypse. It's hard to investigate your sexuality when you're sleeping in a van with two divorced adults and a bunch of teenagers, two of whom keep having sex regardless of who's nearby) and that was enough for him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it's not obvious but the reason why Pok was only calling him "kid" was because he didn't want to misgender him but also didn't want to seek overly accepting in case they knew Riz had been afab   
> N e ways I hope y'all enjoyed this please comment or check out all my other d20 stuff I cant stop writing about these gay kids

**Author's Note:**

> You have no idea how much I struggled with not naming this "The Ball Vs. Not Having Balls"
> 
> I based this off myself a lot lol. Riz has deffo got some issues rip 
> 
> Comment & Kudo for me to dedicate my first born to you


End file.
